Take Off the Halloween Mask: Stop People-Pleasing (Before It Ghosts You)

2 days ago
5 min read

From people-pleasing to person-leading - with humour and heart.

It’s nearly Halloween, which means two things: tiny pumpkins everywhere and a perfectly good metaphor. 🎃

All year round, many of us wear social “costumes” — the helpful colleague, the chill friend, the endlessly accommodating partner — because we’re afraid that if people saw the real us (with needs, limits and a mild resentment of group chats), they’d run a mile. We keep the mask on because rejection feels scary. But here’s the plot twist: the mask is what slowly starves our relationships of oxygen.

Let’s talk about the cost of people-pleasing, why you’re not responsible for the story living in someone else’s head, and how to retire your costume — at work, with friends, and in love — without becoming a villain. (Capes optional.)

The Real Price of Being “Nice”

People-pleasing looks generous. Under the cape, it’s fear: If I keep everyone happy, I’ll be safe and loved. The bill arrives later as:

Overwhelm and burnout. You say yes to one more task and suddenly you’re up at 1 a.m. colour-coding a spreadsheet you never wanted.
Low-grade resentment. It leaks out as passive “No worries!” emails while you grind your teeth like a Victorian mill.
Identity fog. You’re so busy mirroring what others want that you forget what you like. Do you actually enjoy bottomless brunch, or are you just trapped in a mimosa-based loop?
Lopsided relationships. When one person gives and the other happily receives, you don’t get closeness — you get customer service.

And here’s the quiet tragedy: the people who genuinely care about you want you. Not your mask. 🎭

You’re Not Responsible for Someone Else’s Theatre

We worry that if we hold a boundary, someone will decide we’re selfish. Newsflash: people are mostly thinking about themselves — their inbox, their hairline, whether the oven was left on — and not running a 24/7 panel show on your personality. That dramatic image in your head of them judging you? Directed, produced and starring… also you.

You are responsible for your behaviour (clear, kind, consistent). You are not responsible for:

the fantasy version of you living in someone else’s mind,
the mood they happen to be in,
or how they choose to interpret a polite “no”.

Liberating, isn’t it? Slightly terrifying, yes. But also liberating. (Pour a cuppa. ☕️)

Work: From Office Doormat to Professional Human

People-pleasing at work often masquerades as “team player energy”. You want to be helpful; you end up being the unofficial sponge for everyone else’s deadlines. Then you wonder why your own projects look like a haunted house.

Try this:

Name your bandwidth: “I can take X by Thursday or Y by Tuesday — which is higher priority?” (You’re not refusing; you’re asking for a decision.)
Use the 24-hour pause: Before saying yes, say, “Let me check what I’ve already committed to and I’ll confirm by tomorrow.”
Offer a bounded yes: “I can review for 10 minutes now and send headlines; for a deep dive I’d need a new slot.”

Will someone wish you’d said yes to everything immediately? Possibly. Will they move on and think about lunch instead? Almost certainly.

Friendship: The Myth of the Ever-Available Bestie

Modern friendship is a group chat plus three calendars and a meme economy. People-pleasing looks like always being free, always being supportive, always being… tired.

Try this:

Honest RSVP: “I’d love to see you but I’m at capacity this weekend. Could we do a slow coffee next Thursday?”
Share a preference: “Pub is too loud for me this month — fancy a walk and takeaway?” (Yes, “takeaway” counts as self-care. 🥡)
Name your limit without essaying: “I can’t do emotional heavy lifting tonight, but I can check in tomorrow.”

Real friends won’t need you on-call like IT support. They’ll adapt. If they don’t? That tells you something useful.

Romance: Love Is Not Mind Reading

People-pleasing in relationships often sounds like “I’m fine” (you’re not), “Whatever you want” (you do have wants), and then a mysterious argument about spoons two weeks later. Intimacy needs honesty, not weather reports.

Try this:

Swap hints for headlines: “I feel maxed out and need a quiet night in. Could we do the busy thing at the weekend?”
State the boundary + care: “I don’t want to talk about work after 8 p.m. I’m happy to chat tomorrow morning.”
Make requests, not accusations: “It would help me if we planned the week on Sundays — are you up for trying that?”

If you’re scared your partner won’t love you with needs, remember: they already know you have them. They’re just waiting for the director’s cut with subtitles.

But What If They’re Disappointed?

They might be. Disappointment isn’t a verdict on your worth; it’s a human feeling that passes. If someone’s affection requires you to erase yourself, that’s not a relationship; that’s a casting call for “Pleasant Background Character #3”.

Also, consider the alternative: people being “pleased” with a version of you that doesn’t exist. That’s not love — that’s set design.

Tiny Scripts for Recovering People-Pleasers

No drama, no dissertations — just friendly lines you can actually say:

“That won’t work for me, but here’s what could: ____.”
“I’m at capacity and won’t be able to take this on.”
“I’ll come for the first hour.”
“Let me check my commitments and get back to you.”
“I want to say yes, and I can’t this time.”
“I need to log off now; we can pick this up tomorrow.”

Say them with a calm tone, a full stop, and no PowerPoint slides about your diary.

The Mask Comes Off (Gently)

You don’t have to rip the mask off and fling it in a dramatic flourish. Start by lifting it a little. If you usually say yes in five seconds, buy yourself a day. If you normally agree to the thing and do the logistics, agree to the thing or the logistics. If you always apologise, try gratitude instead: “Thanks for understanding.”

You’ll feel wobbly at first. That’s not a sign you’re doing it wrong; that’s your nervous system learning a new step. A bit like trying to dance at a wedding when your main move is the awkward sway. Keep going. You get better at the thing you practise.

A Note on Kindness

Boundaries aren’t a personality transplant. You can still be warm, generous, funny and the person who remembers everyone’s birthday. You’re just not doing it at the cost of your health, your sleep, or your actual Tuesday night. Also, a little humour helps. If in doubt, blame “Doctor’s orders” (Doctor You). 🩺

Your Takeaway (Fold into your pocket like a receipt)

Notice the mask. When you catch yourself performing “Agreeable Human”, pause. Breathe. Ask what you actually want.
Say the small true thing. One clear sentence beats twenty apologetic ones.
Expect wobbles. Discomfort is a sign of growth, not a cue to backtrack.
Repeat. The first no is the hardest; the second is community theatre; by the fifth you won’t need a costume.

Less pleasing, more living. And if you need a Halloween look, go as yourself — it’s the boldest choice in the room. 😉

I appreciate you reading. If this offered a helpful nudge, pass it on to someone who might find it useful as well. That’s how we look after each other.

Thanks for being here. See you soon.

With gratitude,

Lavinia

Psychotherapist & Curious Human