How to Fight Better: A Guide for Couples Who've Been Through It

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Look, let's be honest. If you're reading this, you and your partner have probably had some proper rows. The kind where someone brings up that thing from 2019 that you thought was water under the bridge, but apparently it's been festering like a forgotten tupperware at the back of the fridge. 😬

You're both willing to make it work, which is brilliant. But here's the thing: wanting to fight better and actually doing it are two very different kettles of fish. So grab a brew, settle in, and let's talk about how to have arguments that don't end with someone sleeping on the sofa (or worse, in stony silence on opposite sides of the bed like the Berlin Wall has been reinstated).

🚫 Stop Keeping Score (You're Not on University Challenge)

First things first: if you're mentally tallying up every mistake your partner has ever made since the dawn of time, you need to stop. This isn't "Just a Minute" and you don't win a prize for remembering that they forgot your mum's birthday in 2021.

When you're in the middle of a row, the temptation to bring up the greatest hits album of past grievances is strong. But honestly? It's the conversational equivalent of those desperate phrase in English language, right up there with "we need to talk" and "I'm not angry, I'm just disappointed."

Try this instead: Stick to the present issue. Yes, it's hard. Yes, it feels good to remind them of that time they said they'd be home at 7 and rolled in at midnight. But unless it's directly relevant to what's happening now, leave it in the past where it belongs. 🙄

⏰ The 24-Hour Rule (Not to Be Confused with the 5-Second Rule)

Here's something that actually works: if something your partner does winds you up, give it 24 hours before bringing it up. Not everything needs to be addressed immediately, and sometimes you'll wake up the next day and realize you're just hangry.

However, if you're still annoyed after 24 hours, then yes, it's worth a conversation. Just maybe don't start it with "you ALWAYS..." because let's be real, they probably don't always do anything except breathe.

🙄 Learn to Say "I Feel" Without Eye-Rolling

I know, I know. Therapy-speak can feel a bit cringe. But there's a reason therapists bang on about "I feel" statements instead of "you always" accusations.

Compare these:

• "You never listen to me!" 😤

• "I feel unheard when I'm talking and you're on your phone."

The first one puts someone on the defensive faster than you can say "passive aggressive." The second one opens up an actual conversation.

Yes, it feels awkward at first. Yes, you might feel like you're in a role-play exercise. But it genuinely works, so swallow your pride and give it a go.

🙇 The Art of the Proper Apology (Spoiler: "Sorry You're Upset" Doesn't Count)

Right, let's tackle apologies, because apparently none of us learned how to do this properly in school. A real apology has three parts:

1. Acknowledgment: "I'm sorry I did [specific thing]"

2. Understanding: "I understand that made you feel [way they felt]"

3. Action: "Next time, I'll [actual different behaviour]"

What's NOT an apology:

• "I'm sorry you feel that way" (translation: I'm sorry you're being sensitive)

• "I'm sorry, BUT..." (the but cancels out everything before it)

• "Fine, SORRY" storms off (this is just aggressive compliance)

And here's the hard bit: sometimes you have to apologise even when you don't think you're 100% wrong. Welcome to relationships, where you can be technically correct and still hurt someone's feelings. 💐

⏸️ Take a Bloody Time-Out

When things get heated and you're both just shouting over each other like you're on Question Time, take a break. Not a "storm off dramatically and slam the door" break. An actual, agreed-upon break where you both cool down.

Try this: "I need 20 minutes to cool down. Can we come back to this?" Then actually come back to it. Don't just avoid it forever like it's your weird uncle at Christmas.

During the break, DON'T:

• Text your mates to slag off your partner

• Rehearse devastating comebacks

• Doom-scroll through their Instagram from 2015

• Remember that you actually like this person, despite current evidence

🏳️ Let Go of Being Right

This is the hardest one, especially for those of us who spent our childhoods winning debates at the dinner table. But here's a revolutionary thought: being right doesn't actually matter as much as being happy together.

Sometimes, you need to ask yourself: "Do I want to be right, or do I want to be in a relationship?" Because you can't always have both, and dying on every hill is exhausting for everyone involved.

This doesn't mean becoming a doormat. It means picking your battles and recognising that some arguments just aren't worth winning.

🗺️ The Past is a Different Country (Stop Visiting)

Now, about those things from the past you're struggling to let go of. I get it. Someone hurt you, and even though they've apologised (properly, with all three parts), you keep bringing it up every time you argue about whose turn it is to take the bins out. Here's the brutal truth: if you've said you've forgiven something, you don't get to keep bringing it up as ammunition. Forgiveness isn't a one-time thing; it's a choice you have to keep making, sometimes daily.

However (and this is important): if you genuinely can't move past something, that's information. Maybe you need couples therapy. Maybe you need more time. Maybe it's genuinely unforgiven-able. But you can't say it's forgiven and then weaponise it every time you're annoyed about the washing up.

🚫 Create a "No-Go Zones" List

Sit down together when you're NOT fighting and establish some ground rules. What's off-limits in arguments? Maybe it's:

• Bringing up each other's families

• Comments about weight, appearance, or intelligence

• Threats of breaking up

• The silent treatment lasting more than [agreed time]

• Bringing up that one thing they did that you both promised to move past

Write them down. Stick to them. When someone violates one (and someone will, eventually), call it out calmly: "That's a no-go zone. Can we rephrase?"

🤝 Accept That Some Things Will Never Be Resolved

Plot twist: not every argument ends with a neat resolution and everyone holding hands. Sometimes you just have fundamental differences, and the best you can do is agree to disagree and find a compromise.

Maybe one of you is a morning person and the other is nocturnal. Maybe one of you thinks the heating should be on October and the other thinks that's madness. These aren't problems to solve; they're differences to manage. 🌡️

💞 The Recovery is as Important as the Fight

After a row, don't just pretend it never happened and go back to normal. Check in with each other. "Are we okay?" "Is there anything else you need to say?" "Can I make you a cup of tea?"

Physical reconnection matters too. A hug, holding hands, sitting close on the sofa whilst watching telly. It signals "we're a team again" even if you're both still a bit bruised.

👥 When to Call in the Professionals

Sometimes, you need help, and that's not a failure. Consider couples therapy if:

• You're having the same argument on repeat

• One or both of you is bringing up past hurts constantly

• You can't communicate without it escalating

• You're starting to wonder if it's worth it

A good therapist isn't there to take sides or tell you to break up. They're like a referee who also teaches you better fighting techniques. 🥊

🏁 The Bottom Line

Fighting better doesn't mean not fighting. It means fighting fair, fighting kind, and fighting with the goal of understanding rather than winning. It means remembering that you're both on the same team, even when it doesn't feel like it.

You're both willing to make it work, which means you're already halfway there. The other half is practice, patience, and accepting that you'll both mess up this new approach sometimes. That's fine. Apologise, reset, and try again.

Because here's the thing: every long-term relationship involves conflict. The question isn't whether you'll fight, but whether you'll fight in a way that brings you closer or pushes you apart.

Now go forth and argue better. And maybe buy some nice biscuits for after. Everything's better with biscuits. 😊

💝 Ready to Stop Fighting and Start Connecting?

Look, reading a blog post is great. Actually implementing all of this whilst you're both knackered and someone forgot to pick up milk again? That's the hard part.

If you've read this far, you're already doing the work. You're showing up for your relationship. But sometimes, you need someone in your corner who actually knows what they're doing - someone who can spot the patterns you can't see and teach you the skills that don't come naturally.

That's where I come in.

💞 Introducing: The 6-Session Couples Therapy Package

Reconnect, Communicate, Rebuild

This isn't about sitting on a sofa whilst someone judges your relationship. This is about getting real, practical tools that actually work - the kind that help you navigate parenthood stress, busy schedules, or just the general chaos of keeping a relationship alive.

Here's What You Get:

✓ 1 joint assessment session - we figure out what's really going on (spoiler: it's usually not about the dishes)

✓ 2 individual sessions - because sometimes you need space to say things without your partner glaring at you

✓ 4 joint therapy sessions - where the magic happens: learning to communicate without World War III breaking out

What You'll Actually Achieve:

• Communicate openly without blame or defensiveness (imagine that!)

• Rebuild emotional intimacy and trust

• Resolve ongoing conflicts with practical, proven tools

• Navigate challenges like parenthood, stress, or busy schedules

• Strengthen your partnership for the long term

Perfect For:

• New parents who barely remember why they liked each other before the baby arrived

• Busy couples who've drifted apart and can't remember the last time they had a proper conversation

• Anyone wanting to strengthen their relationship before small issues become "whose solicitor is better" problems

Available in-person in Sandbach, Cheshire, or online from anywhere - because I know you're busy and finding childcare is a nightmare.

This package gives you the structure, support, and skills you need to actually fight better, love better, and stop having the same bloody argument about the thermostat.

[Book Your 6-Session Couples Therapy Package Now]

Because your relationship is worth more than hoping things will magically get better. (Spoiler: they won't. But with the right help? They absolutely can.)

Let's do this. 💪💕

With gratitude,

Lavinia

Psychotherapist