Valentine’s Day When You’re Not Feeling the Love: A Couples Therapist’s Guide
- lavinia may
- 7 hours ago
- 7 min read
Feeling disconnected this Valentine's Day? You're not alone. A refreshingly honest guide for couples who'd rather reconnect than pretend everything's perfect over overpriced dinner.
Right. It's February again. The shops are drowning in red hearts, your Instagram feed is full of #couplegoals, and you're meant to be planning the most romantic evening of the year.
There's just one tiny problem: you'd settle for a genuine conversation over a cup of tea rather than forced romance over a £90 prix fixe menu you didn't really want.
Cards, flowers, forced romance - when you'd rather just feel connected again. 💔
If this is you, welcome. Pull up a chair. Let's talk about the Valentine's Day nobody posts about on social media.
The Elephant in the Room (Wearing a Cupid Costume) 🐘💘
Here's what nobody tells you about Valentine's Day when you're in a long-term relationship:
Sometimes, the most romantic thing you can imagine is your partner actually listening when you talk about your day.
Or remembering to pick up milk without being asked seventeen times.
Or - dare we dream - putting their phone down for more than four consecutive minutes.
For couples with kids? Romance looks suspiciously like someone else doing bedtime so you can have a bath. Alone. For twenty whole minutes.
The bar isn't just low - it's underground. And yet, Valentine's Day rocks up every February expecting you to perform peak romance like you're auditioning for Love Actually.
Exhausting, isn't it?
Why Valentine's Day Feels Different This Year 🤔
Let me guess what's actually going on in your relationship right now:
You still love each other. Obviously. You're just not sure you like each other very much at the moment.
You can't remember the last time you had a conversation that wasn't about:
Who's picking up the kids
Whether we need more loo roll
That thing your mother-in-law said
The absolute STATE of the kitchen
You've become exceptionally good at coordinating logistics whilst making minimal eye contact.
Sex? Well. It's on the to-do list. Somewhere between "book the boiler service" and "find out what that smell is in the downstairs bathroom."
And now it's Valentine's Day, and you're meant to suddenly transform into the couple from the perfume adverts who gaze meaningfully at each other in black and white.
No pressure then. 😅
The Great Valentine's Day Lie 🎭
Here's the thing about Valentine's Day: it's designed for couples who are either:
Brand new (still in the "I can't believe you exist" phase where everything they do is fascinating, even the way they eat toast)
Totally fine (genuinely happy, well-connected, using Valentine's as a nice excuse for date night)
Pretending really hard (relationship's circling the drain but maybe a £150 meal will fix six years of resentment?)
If you're somewhere in the middle - not brand new, not actively terrible, just... a bit meh -Valentine's Day can feel like being asked to run a marathon when you're already knackered from the weekly shop.
The pressure to perform romance when you're running on four hours of sleep and passive-aggressive WhatsApp messages about whose turn it is to empty the dishwasher?Completely unrealistic.
What Actually Happens on Valentine's Day for Real Couples 📅
Couples without kids:
Him/Her/Them: "Should we do something for Valentine's?"
You: "Do you want to?"
Them: "I don't mind, do you want to?"
You: "I'm easy either way"
Them: "Right, so... shall we just get a Nando's?"
You: "Yeah, alright"
(Romance is dead. Long live Nando's.) 🍗
Couples with kids:
Week before: "We should probably book something nice"
Five days before: "Did you book something?"
Two days before: "EVERYTHING'S FULLY BOOKED"
Day of: "Sainsbury's dine-in for two?"
Reality: Kids refuse to sleep, one of you falls asleep on the sofa at 7:30pm still wearing Weetabix, romantic meal gets eaten separately whilst dealing with a meltdown about the "wrong pyjamas"
(Romance is definitely dead. Hello, microwaved M&S meal eaten cold at 10pm.) 🍝
The Couples Who Have It REALLY Sussed 🎯
Want to know the secret of couples who actually enjoy Valentine's Day?
They stopped pretending it's a relationship report card.
They realised that one dinner won't fix ongoing disconnection, and one bunch of wilting petrol station roses won't erase three months of feeling like ships passing in the night.
The couples who've cracked it do this instead:
✅ They acknowledge that they're not feeling particularly romantic right now - and that's okay
✅ They know that feeling disconnected doesn't mean their relationship is doomed
✅ They use Valentine's as a gentle reminder to check in, not a pressure-filled performance
✅ They laugh about the gap between Instagram couples and real life
✅ They recognise when they need actual support (more on that later)
What To Actually Do This Valentine's Day (No Pressure Edition) 💡
Forget the grand gestures. Here's what might actually help:
If You're Feeling Disconnected:
Option 1: The Honest Conversation ☕Make a cuppa. Sit down together (revolutionary, I know). Say out loud: "I feel like we've been a bit disconnected lately. Not in a scary way, just... are you feeling it too?"
Sometimes just naming it takes the edge off.
Option 2: The Low-Stakes Reconnection 🚶♀️Go for a walk. Somewhere you can't be interrupted. Leave your phones at home (GASP). Just... talk. About anything except logistics.
Remember when you used to do that? Before you became a family project management team?
Option 3: The Realistic Date 🎬Skip the fancy restaurant where you'll spend £200 to sit in uncomfortable silence. Do something you both actually enjoy. Cinema (can't talk = less pressure). Pub quiz (teamwork = connection). Even just a different supermarket for the weekly shop. LIVING THE DREAM.
Option 4: Ignore It Completely 🛋️Honestly? Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is acknowledge you're both too knackered for forced romance and just have an early night. Revolutionary.
If You Have Kids:
Lower the bar. Then lower it again. Now bury it underground.
Success = you both survive the day without major injury or saying something you'll regret.
Bonus points if you manage to exchange cards. Extra bonus points if you remembered to actually BUY cards.
Pro move: Book a babysitter for the weekend AFTER Valentine's when everywhere's cheaper and less rammed. You're welcome. 🙌
When It's More Than Just Valentine's Day Pressure 🚨
Here's where I need to be honest with you.
If you're reading this and thinking "Ha, yes, Valentine's Day is ridiculous... but actually, we've felt disconnected for months... maybe years... and I don't know how we got here..."
That's different.
That's not Valentine's Day pressure. That's your relationship trying to tell you something.
Some signs it might be time for actual support:
You can't remember the last time you laughed together
Every conversation turns into an argument (or worse, you've stopped talking altogether)
You're living parallel lives in the same house
The thought of planning something "romantic" makes you feel anxious or resentful
You're staying together "for the kids" but you're both miserable
You've tried to fix it yourselves but keep ending up in the same patterns
Good news: Feeling disconnected doesn't mean your relationship is over. It means it needs attention.
Like when your check engine light comes on. You wouldn't just stick a Post-it note over it and hope for the best, would you? (Actually, don't answer that.) 🚗
The Takeaway (Better Than Stale Chocolates) 🎁
Here's what you need to know:
Valentine's Day is marketing, not a relationship health check. If your relationship feels a bit meh, a bunch of roses won't fix it. (Though they're still nice. I'm not a monster.) 🌹
Disconnection is normal. Long-term relationships go through phases. Sometimes you're madly in love. Sometimes you're madly annoyed. Sometimes you're just... coexisting. All normal.
The difference between a rough patch and a real problem? Rough patches pass. Real problems need real solutions.
Forced romance helps nobody. If you're not feeling it, pretending helps nobody. Honesty (kind honesty) is sexier than fake perfection.
Reconnection takes intention, not Instagram-worthy gestures. Small, consistent acts of care beat one expensive dinner you both felt awkward at.
Sometimes you need help - and that's okay. Actually, it's better than okay. It's smart. Like going to the dentist before your tooth falls out, not after.
This Valentine's Day... 💕
Instead of forcing yourself into a heart-shaped box of expectations, try this:
Be honest. With yourself. With your partner.
If you're struggling, say it. If you need support, ask for it. If you just want to acknowledge that things feel hard right now but you're willing to work on it together - that's actually more romantic than any overpriced bouquet.
And if you're thinking "Actually, we probably could use some help"...
I've got spaces available for couples who are ready to stop drifting and start reconnecting. No judgment. No pressure. Just practical support to help you understand the patterns keeping you stuck and build something better together.
Because you deserve more than just surviving Valentine's Day.
You deserve to actually like each other again.
Ready to Reconnect? 📞
If this Valentine's Day has shown you that you need more than just a date night to fix what's going on, I'm here.
I work with couples in my Sandbach office and online throughout the UK who are ready to do the work - not just stick a plaster on the problem.
I have spaces available for new couples starting in February and March.
Let's start with a free 15-minute call. No sales pitch. Just an honest conversation about where you are and whether I can help.
In-person in Sandbach, Cheshire | Online throughout the UK
P.S. If your partner is reading this over your shoulder right now, this is your sign. Time to have that conversation. You've got this. 💪
P.P.S. And if you do end up at Nando's, get the halloumi. Always get the halloumi. 🧀
Share this with a couple who needs to hear it. Or just send it to your partner with the caption "...thoughts?" 👀
Thank you for taking the time to read this newsletter.I hope it offered something useful or thought-provoking for your day. If you found it helpful, I’d really appreciate it if you shared it with someone who might benefit from it too. It’s a simple way to show care and support for those around you.
Really glad to have you here - see you next time!
With gratitude,
Lavinia
Psychotherapist & Curious Human
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