I recently reviewed a book by Esther Perel and couldn’t help but reflect on my past relationships and what I’ve learned. Here’s something I find useful to share: Three Common Relationship Fights You Keep Having—and How to Resolve Them.
We've all been there—that moment when a relationship fight spirals out of control, leaving us thinking, "How can they do this again when they know how much it upsets me?" Whether it’s the dishes piling up, too much time on social media, or a major decision made solo, these are the triggers that hit our most vulnerable spots.
But here’s the thing: Most of the time, these arguments aren’t really about the dishes or the phone. They’re about deeper issues like unmet needs, insecurities, and past experiences. As Dr Marion Solomon and Dr Daniel J. Siegel note, the closer we are to someone, the more likely old emotions and defences will surface. It’s not just about what’s happening now, but how it echoes past hurts.
For instance, if it bothers you when your partner doesn’t look up from their phone, it might not be just about that moment. It could be tapping into a deeper feeling of being neglected. Or if they consistently prioritize something else over spending time with you, it might trigger fears that you’re not important to them. These feelings can build up over time, affecting how we see every interaction. If we think our partner doesn’t care, we’ll view everything they do through that lens.
So, how do we break out of this cycle? It often comes down to three underlying issues:
1. Power and Control: This can sound like, “You undermine me with the kids.”
“I feel like I have to check with you before buying anything because I don’t make as much money as you. I know you don’t ask me to, but it feels that way.”
“We only have sex when you want to.”
2. Care and Closeness: This might be, “Why can’t you be supportive when I’m anxious instead of criticizing my coping skills?”
“Why am I always the one reaching out? I’m the one making the effort, and you keep pulling away.”
“Why don’t we have sex anymore?”
3. Respect and Recognition: This shows up as “You make plans with your friends without considering my schedule.”
“You never seem to acknowledge my achievements at work.”
“I don’t think you appreciate how much I handle around the house.”
To break the cycle, we need to create new patterns. It’s about gradually changing the way we interact, one small step at a time. It might feel awkward at first, but over time, it becomes more natural to express your feelings while also considering your partner’s perspective. Saying something like, “I’m feeling this, but that doesn’t mean you’re at fault. I just need you to listen,” can make a big difference.
In the end, how we engage with each other matters more than the specific issues we’re arguing about. By working together to understand the deeper dynamics at play, we can start to transform our relationship for the better.
Thank you for joining me on this journey toward deeper understanding and growth. Remember, the path to a fulfilling life starts with embracing your true self and daring to live authentically. As a therapist and life coach, my mission is to empower you to break free from old patterns, nurture your well-being, and create the life you truly desire.
You hold the power to transform your experiences and shape your destiny. Trust in your strength, honour your uniqueness, and take bold steps toward your dreams. Your journey is yours to shape, and every step you take is a step toward a more vibrant and fulfilling life.
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