Navigating Love and Desire: Can We Have Both in a Long-Term Relationship?

Navigating Love and Desire: Can We Have Both in a Long-Term Relationship?

The real question many of us grapple with is this: Can love and desire coexist in the same relationship over time? And if so, how do we achieve it? What would that kind of relationship look like?

Some might call me an idealist, but I believe that love and desire aren’t mutually exclusive—they just don’t always thrive at the same time. In fact, security and passion represent two fundamental human needs that arise from different motivations and often pull us in opposite directions.

In his insightful book *Can Love Last?*, psychoanalyst Stephen Mitchell offers a compelling framework for understanding this dilemma. According to Mitchell, we all crave security, permanence, reliability, stability, and continuity. These are our "nesting instincts," grounding us in the human experience. At the same time, we also have an innate need for novelty, change, and adventure—forces that infuse our lives with vibrancy and excitement.

This creates a paradox: We’re wired to seek both safety and predictability while also yearning for diversity and new experiences. Think of a child running off to explore, only to return quickly to ensure that mom and dad are still there. Little Sammy needs to feel secure to venture out into the world, and once his curiosity is satisfied, he returns to his safe base to reconnect. This dynamic continues into adulthood, reflected in the ebb and flow of our desires within relationships. We alternate between bold exploration and the need for grounding and safety.

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Over time, most of us develop a preference for one over the other, but the truth is, all living things need both growth and stability. Too much novelty can lead to chaos, while too much rigidity stifles growth and can even lead to the death of a relationship. This delicate balance between change and stability is like the relationship between an anchor and the waves.

In adult relationships, we mirror these dynamics, seeking a steady, reliable anchor in our partner while also longing for love to offer transcendent experiences that lift us out of the ordinary. The challenge for modern couples lies in reconciling the need for safety and predictability with the desire to pursue what’s exciting, mysterious, and awe-inspiring.

For a fortunate few, this balancing act is almost effortless. These couples seamlessly integrate the mundane with the extraordinary, blending commitment with excitement, and responsibility with playfulness. They can clean the garage and still rub each other’s backs, buy a home and still be naughty in it, be parents and still be lovers. In short, they effortlessly meld the ordinary with the extraordinary.

But for the rest of us, maintaining excitement in a relationship where we’ve established permanence can be a tall order. All too often, love stories develop in such a way that we sacrifice passion to achieve stability.

The key is understanding that this tension is natural and, with effort, can be managed. By acknowledging and embracing the dynamic interplay between security and desire, we can cultivate relationships that offer both stability and excitement—a true anchor amidst the waves.

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